Tick tock tick tock tick
I attended the whole day of lectures. Attended a guest seminar. Went to town and bought groceries for the week. Cooked dinner. Went for a walk with friends because that’s the only human interaction I can get in this strange lonely world.
Day has ended. Sun has set. It’s that time again. I’m in my bed. Cozy in the warm blanket. All lights are switched off. But… but my eyes wide open and me, wide awake.
Meet the troubled protagonist of the story. Me.
Not the real Me. Insomnia clocked ghost that’s haunting the real Me.
And this is the tale of my nightmare that is Insomnia.
‘Insomnia, also known as sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder where people have trouble sleeping. They may have difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep as long as desired. Insomnia is typically followed by daytime sleepiness, low energy, irritability, and a depressed mood.’
This is the official definition of insomnia on Wikipedia. The person who has this disorder is usually known as Insomniac.
I have been suffering from Insomnia for about a year now.
Tick tock tick tock
I am her numb night…
I find myself on the road now. Taking one of those long walks in the darks of nights. The silence of the night is deafening. I’ve been awake for almost one and a half week now. I started going on these walks a few months back. I thought if I get tired of walking, I would get some sleep out of that tiredness. It did work for a few nights. But now I’m always tired and it doesn’t work anymore.
Tick tock tick tock
I am her lost soul…
What time is it? I’m missing a watch on my wrist but it doesn’t affect me much. Maybe I forgot to wear it again.
Where am I? the next question pops into my mind. the surrounding looks unfamiliar. Maybe I have wandered off out of the university campus again. I can’t remember how did I reach here. Is Insomnia playing with my memory now? I tried to remember the last thing I did before finding myself here. I can’t remember it. I blurrily remember the dense trees where I started my walk. But it doesn’t make much sense now because the trees I remember are from my hometown. Maybe I’m confusing spaces around me.
Maybe it’s time to run. Run with the eyes closed. In aimless direction. Maybe I’ll reach where I need to be.
Tick tock tick tock tick
I am her ugly mask…
After god knows how much time, I finally reach back the campus. I ran too much. I can’t breathe. I feel suffocated. And tired. Maybe today I’ll be blessed with a little sleep. I walk up the stairs. Open the room. My stuffed elephant ‘Ellie’ and my little sheep toy ‘Kiara’ are staring at me with their popping black eyes. I look in the mirror.my eyes are always red these days, like some vein popped inside them. They used to water back in the days. Now whenever I close the eyes, it just burns. And it feels like someone is pushing my eyeballs into my skull. Shadows of my sleepless nights surrounding my eyes.
Tick tock tick tock.
I am her delusional mind…
This insomnia has become like a best buddy now. It’s with me all the time. I’ve spent more time thinking about it than anything else. Besides I’m getting pretty good at killing time at night. I stare into the dark, while my brain forms creative shapes out of the darkness. I stare into the eyes of Kiara and makeup stories about her life. ‘life of a sheep’. I have read countless books because of this sleepless nightmare.
But sometimes the day of routine and a night of wakeful drowsiness can get exhaustive. Though I’m past this exhaustion. These days it’s just numb tiredness.
Tick tock tick
I am her broken spirit…
I sometimes think about the reasons for my Insomnia. Is it because bad things happen when you’re asleep? Or your mind can replay the bad memories in your sleep and you can’t control it? Is the itch to avoid my past even though the dreams that important than the healthy, happy life?
I fear that if I close my eyes, the snaps of bad things will flash before my closed burning eyes. My heart starts to pump as fast as it could yet not fast enough. These smothering images suffocate the life out of me. I still try to conceal the scars from the past with the hope of the future.
Tick tock tick tock tick
I am her shattered and tired heart…
Come the new morning. Mornings are harsh. Blurry eyes, weary mind. days and nights and nowhere to hide.
It’s time to put on a mask. Keep a smile on the lips. A little concealer under the eyes and I’m ready to battle the sunrise.
Tick tock tick tock tick
How long till I break? How long till all the life drains?
All I yearn is a clean sweep. All I need is deep sleep.
Tick tock tick
I am her…
Day has ended. Sun has set. It’s that time again. I’m in my bed. Cozy in the warm blanket. All lights are switched off. But… but my eyes wide open and me, wide awake.
I am her… and she is now mine…
QuillBlotter 